another post tonight, because I”m onto different topics ext. What I”m reflecting on now is that I really do fucking love him. He’s sleeping curled up in bed and he’s just kind snoring, he doesn’t do anything weird and he’s a heavy sleeper because he’s been able to sleep through me being up every single night pretty much since I got here. How does one person put up with me? It was almost comical, today I tried to make rice and ramen and some other snacks while we were smoking and it was a dumpster fire, but he still loves me, tells me I’m stiill a good duck. You’re a good duck too baby- and I fucking love you. I’m about to get off the computer and get in bed with you for about an hour before I start getting ready for the day. I can’t wait until you get home from work and we can spend the day napping and doing the stupid shit we do. -C
so it’s ironically 4:20 am and after doing edibles, drinking beer and smoking a little during the day I”m feeling wide awake. I was going to make this a blog for Kyle and I but then I thought of something we were talking about earlier- that I feel like I’m finally getting back to my old self, not to the person I became after everything that happened happened. Tonight for the first time in I don’t even know how many years I made stupid jokes, I made deep stoned reflections and I mostly made Kyle laugh. I felt like I got my soul back a little, like after everything that had been lost maybe I could rebuild. A few things I want to point out about the formatting of this blog- it’s intentionally kind of 2010’s emo girl blog layout and styling because that was the last time I still had access to a device other than a cell and when I was still enjoying the internet. I realized tonight while on the couch listening to king princess that I haven’t listened to really any new music in a good 10 years. Basically the last half of my active addiction. I stopped being a part of the actual world. I don’t think people who haven’t spent literally years of their lives behind closed doors be it psych or rehabs (it all adds up) the basic joy I get from being able to pick out exactly what food I want to eat at night or being able to go outside whenever I need to. I was removed from the world and my timeline kinda stopped. But out here I feel like I’m coming alive again. It’s the most fucked up feeling because I have felt dead inside for most of my life and now I’m kind of having a moment. It’s sounds so stupid but to get to be up until whenever I need to be and have a fucking light on, blast whatever bad music I want to listen to and then get to curl up next to the person I love is such a privilege. I’m sure few people are going to read this but I’m not doing it for the views, I really enjoyed just fucking around on my laptop tonight setting up layouts and making pages for the blog and if something that easy and free makes me happy then why the fuck not? Also I have no one to read what I write right now except Kyle so there’s that/
Right now I feel very hypomaic, I haven’t been sleeping for almost a month and a half now, I just restarted my entire life in a new place with a different partner who I had not lived with before prior to my first night actually living out here. But yeah the great thing about hypo-mania is the productivity. The shitty part is what it takes to maintain that in addition to the pain of the eventual crash. When I was told at 38 I was having my first true manic episode and that in addition to the Borderline Personality Disorder I’d been diagnosed with at 19 I was even more crazy. But I’m fucking done with the idea of thinking of myself as crazy. I went through some shit and I made some bad choices but that doesn’t make me crazy. And I need to stop constantly putting myself down and calling myself that jokingly.
We’re taking our first trip as a couple in a few weeks to the Berkshire’s where I spent the two happiest summers of my college time. I interned in the summer arts festival scene for two summers out there and it was life changing. But now most of my fellow interns have moved onto much bigger and better things (or I know at least one is dead pour one out), but here I am making some stupid fucking blog at sunrise while my partner is snoring like an adorable cat in the bed in the next room. But anyway I’m so excited to be back out there. While I was having my issues over the past 12 years I didn’t return there once which was killing me because I consider the experiences I had out there to be soul forming.
Obviosuly I’ll write about the trip if this blog makes it that far. It’s fucking 4:45 am and I don’t feel that great mentally. I was going literally too fast and now I feel like things are not fast enough. I know that my blunt writing style won’t appeal to most but I think it get the point across.
So this is the first post, which we won’t keep but i was up all night so i started this project while i was waiting to be able to finish updating my instagram. i love you so much. ❤ c
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