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I’m Bipolar type 1. If you know you know but if you don’t that means that sometimes I get hypomanic which can lead to mania. At first the hypmania feels really good. You can do everything you planned for the day and more, you need less and less sleep, I eat less which feels good at first. You begin to talk and think faster and faster than ever before. And then the hypomania shifts into a full blown mania. Which is terrifying. For the past month and a half I haven’t been sleeping for more than 2 hours a night if that and I’ve been increasingly irritable and agitated. But last night I felt the all too familiar shift, the final release from the high. I knew the shift was coming because yesterday I felt psychically slow, like my body was moving through mud instead of the usual break neck pace. My heart wasn’t beating as fast. And my mind seemed to slow down too. Last night I slept a full 6 hours pretty much uninterrupted and I took another nap this morning.

IDK if this rings true for others with mania but I feel extremely lazy when I’m regulated or on the more depressed end. I deal with a lot of guilt and shame about the worry that if I’m not in constant hypomania I’m not going to preform good enough, be funny enough, be a good enough partner. After all, hypomania can be very attractive and depression rarely is. But here we are, the first day of the “crash” and I don’t feel depressed completely which is also why coming out of this cycle can be so terrifying. I didn’t want this last mania to end because I wasn’t ready for Kyle to see me depressed. But maybe with the right partner finally the depression will be livable and I won’t feel as much shame in my relationship when I might need a little more help or encouragement.

Kyle is extremely supportive and in tune to my moods, last night while we were driving I told him I thought the mania was finally breaking and he genuinely asked if I was ok and if I was depressed. And honestly yesterday and right now I am ok, and my mood is lower but I’m not depressed. With a partner as supportive as that I don’t see how things can go wrong even if we both make mistakes and need to learn more about living with each other. Kyle I love you, you are the best partner a woman could ask for. ❤

(me on my last night of this most recent episode of mania, honestly it could have ended up a lot worse)