kitten and boo boo

I have horrible teeth. Like meth mouth teeth. Because I used speed for about 20 years and was bulimic on and off for just as long in addition to smoking for even longer. It’s embarrassing. My confidence isn’t great to begin with but my teeth are the one thing about myself physically I truly hate. Because I used amphetamines for so long and would sometimes chew it my teeth deteriorated. I’m not missing any front teeth luckily but a few weeks ago I was in near tears before my dentist appointment because I just wanted a nice smile that I wasn’t ashamed of in my wedding pics. Bulimia further deteriorated my teeth. Purging draws stomach acid up into your mouth and when that sits it basically does what any acid would do to anything. Not a good trifecta going on.

I went to the dentist recently for the first time in a very long time because I decided I was tired of being ashamed. I told the doctor why my teeth were so bad at only 38 and sitting in the chair prayed that I wouldn’t need dentures just yet. Luckily the worst ones in the front can be saved. Some in the back need to be pulled where I’d chew it and let it sit in the tooth/gum but no one will be able to see they are missing. The daily constant pain is just as bad as the shame I feel about how they look. I can’t drink or eat anything that isn’t luke warm. It feels like they’re constantly throbbing and pulsating. I had some ice water this morning and let’s just put it this way- I’ll be paying for it all day. My dad’s teeth are worse than mine but not for the same reasons, only because he didn’t practice proper dental hygiene. I don’t want to be his age missing all my top teeth, and the remaining bottom teeth are all stained a horrible yellow.

I used to mock people with missing or bad teeth horribly. I’d make comments about how trashy they were and how they should just get some fucking teeth put back in from the dentist. Well now that I”m in that position with horrible ones myself I don’t find it funny. Good dental work is extremely expensive and often not an option for a lot of people who need teeth replaced or fixed. CT state insurance doesn’t cover implants and only provides partials for front teeth. In rehabs I’ve met a lot of women who were in my position and their only option at the time was to pull everything and just get shitty ill fitting dentures because they were in so much pain and the state wouldn’t pay to actually restore their teeth properly.

It’s kind of disgusting that state insurance is provided to people because they need the coverage but the insurance that is provided doesn’t even cover restorative dental work that will make the person’s life better. What’s the fucking point of pulling everything and just getting some cheap dentures that don’t fit if you’re still going to be in pain? Now I get why a lot of people choose not to wear theirs all the time. Oral pain is the worst for me, and when it’s constant the only time I get any relief from it is when I’m sleeping.

The stigma around bad teeth is sad. People don’t want to have a mouth that looks and smells like shit. People don’t want to be embarrassed to smile with their teeth. People don’t want to hear comments about their teeth looking like meth mouth. They’re fucking bones-they grow, they fall out, they grow back and sometimes they come out again. If you’re lucky you can replace them with artificial ones.. If you’re low income you’re not lucky in the arena of dental coverage. I didn’t want to ever post a picture of them showing online but I want to make a point. Someone cute and smart like myself can still be hiding a horrible set of fangs. Recovered people might still have to pay the consequences for what they put their bodies through even after they put the speed down and stop puking their food up. So here’s my teeth. I begin my dental restoration journey August 9, and by September I will have teeth I won’t feel I have to hide and hopefully I won’t be in constant pain. I firmly believe that having functional teeth is a basic human right and not a privilege. If your teeth are fucked up too for whatever reason I see you- you’re not disgusting.

(please excuse my lack of makeup and shitty eyebrows, I’m writing this at 7 in the morning and I’m an actual person so I’m not cute all the fucking time)