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I’ll get this out of the way first, massive trigger warning for graphic writing about experience as a self harmer.

I am 38 years old and have been self harming activley since I was about 12. A lot of people think that adults don’t self harm- well, some of us do. It’s a maladaptive coping technique that quickly becomes the only way to process pain that can not be processed. My arms, stomach and thighs all have pretty bad scarring. The scarring on my stomach is the mildest, the worst on my forearms. I “graduated” as they say from cutting to burning and branding many years ago, and those scars are probably the worst. One in particular that I am extremely self conscious of is about the size of a silver dollar on my left top forearm. It’s a puffy white raised circle with a weird brown fault line running through it. A long time ago I stopped covering my scars in public unless in very specific settings and I get questions, stares and rude glances frequently. Worse is the people who ask what happened knowing full well what the response will be. I generally cover fresh wounds with clothing if not also bandages as needed but the old scars? They’re just part of my skin so I shouldn’t have to cover unless it would make the situation inappropriate for myself and others. So I guess you’re obviously wondering, do I still do it? And I’ll be honest, because being honest here is important to me. Yes, I do. Not in any way in the same frequency that I used to and the severity waxes and wanes depending on the triggering event but yes- I sometimes still burn myself. I generally prefer burning now to cutting because it probably gives off more dopamine and serotonin but that’s a personal preference and neither here nor there. But to put it bluntly I want to address the stigma against self harm in general but more specifically against adult self harm (regardless of method).

Imagine being in so much emotional pain that the only way you can relieve it is to hurt yourself. You’re 12 years old and you’ve found the thing that works. Well, not only teens go through emotional pain- if anything I’d say the pain got harder to process as an adult and as the behavior became more acute. Emotional pain doesn’t stop just because physical age progresses. And trust me, the negative attention I got as a teen self harming is not the same as the negative attention I get as an adult who does it. The dirty looks with no comment are the worst. For some reason I am especially sensitive to those looks from women around my mother’s age, but that’s probably content for a whole other post.

So what’s the fucking point? If you see anyone with obvious scarring, whether self inflicted or not don’t be an asshole. I don’t care if it freaks you out, intrigues you, disgusts you, whatever. Especially if they’re self inflicted. That person taking whatever it is they use against themselves probably already feels shitty enough without your added bullshit. If you want to ask a question about my scars, I’m fine with that as a risk I take not covering them, but not everyone with scarring is. You don’t have to educate yourself about it, don’t have to accept it. Just let people live their lives out in the world- everyone has a right to feel safe in their own skin in public.