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I recently wrote a post about how I support my spicy ND partner and I thought I’d write an additional post from my perspective as a person with mental health struggles on how a partner can support me. These are things he does to be a loving fiance and I appreciate every one of them. Other people I’ve been with always treated me like the “sick one” in the relationship, even if they had struggles of their own, which doesn’t really offer any support and kind of puts the person in that role in an even shittier place mentally.

-don’t escalate a spiral, with my experience with BPD once I split or begin to spiral into black and white thinking it’s almost impossible for me to calm down in the moment. The first time Kyle actually witnessed a BPD spiral in person I’m sure he was terrified, because when I get like that I literally become a feral animal who only thinks in raw uncontrollable emotion. He didn’t realize that trying to rationalize with me and talk me down was only going to escalate things further. For me when I’m spiraling the best way someone can support me is to just give me time to breath, let me go outside into the fresh air to refocus myself, and especially not try to explain why I’m being completely irrational in the moment. When you try to use rationale with an episode like this it just makes me hyper focus even more on the thing that set me off in the first place further pushing the limits of how far I will take things. When I spiral I might end up drinking to excess, self harming, yelling, retaliating, saying cruel things to hurt the person I perceived hurt me and overdosing among other things. Don’t push the person to this point.

-encourage sleep, for someone who also suffers from hypomania and mania sleep is extremely important. Encourage your partner to get regular sleep- for us that means if I’m really tired I take a nap, or if I’m ready to pass the fuck out he doesn’t keep me up just to keep me up with him. Sleep in your bed, and make the bed a safe place that you want to sleep in. That might mean nice sheets and pillows or keeping the room cool so that it’s relaxing while you try to fall asleep. If your Bipolar partner is coming off a hypo/mania it’s extremely important for them to sleep. I’ve gone about a month and a half with 20 minutes to 2 hours a night max with no naps in between. The sleep debt that gets accumulated can be staggering. Don’t keep them up or further deprive their minds and bodies of something essential for their well being.

-support their sobriety efforts, if you struggle with mental health you might also struggle with substance abuse. I defiantly do. If your partner chooses not to drink hard alcohol don’t keep vodka in the house just for yourself. Respect whatever definition of sober works for them if that’s something they want and don’t push the subject. For me I can’t drink hard liquor at all. I can do beer and wine but hard liquor destroys me and makes me act in ways that can be unforgivable. I’ve asked him to not drink hard liquor in the house or if we’re out somewhere together. We use edibles and flower but other drugs are also a no go for me. So if your partner is trying to maintain a certain lifestyle don’t bring home some coke you might have scored at work. Don’t push them to use drugs they have decided are hard no’s for them. Don’t set rules like they have to do NA/AA but support them if they decide to.

-observe changes that might occur because of meds, the majority of people I’ve met who struggle with stuff like this are also taking some kind of medication. When you’re the one taking medication you might not notice changes in yourself that your partner can identify as a person who knows you best. I’m not saying keep a list or anything but be aware that when starting a new medication or stopping one there might be behavioral changes that occur. Some meds make you sleep more, some make you drool ar night, the possible list of side effects meds can cause is exhausting at best. Be aware of little changes like these so when it’s time for medication management appointments you can tell your partner what you saw from an outside perspective and then your partner can share that with their prescriber if they choose to.

-support efforts to engage in treatment but don’t force it, for me therapy is essential if I want to be a good partner. When I moved in with Kyle he was extremely supportive of me finding a therapist that I vibed with and that I could work with. Since I do all my therapy over telehealth in the apartment he gives me space during my session and goes in the other room with his earbuds and a book or his phone or whatever. I don’t expect him to leave the space but I do appreciate some level of privacy when I’m talking with my therapist. One thing you should never do though is give ultimatums like “if you don’t see a therapist three times a week I’m leaving”. Pushing them to get treatment is going to create resentment on both ends and for me when pushed into treatment I don’t engage and often just bullshit through it to get it over with which has no benefit. So essentially if they want to pursue some form of treatment do what you can to accommodate that. Making someone get treatment they don’t want is not going to be effective anyway.

-know their triggers, I think the most vital way to support a partner who struggles with this kind of stuff is to know their triggers to avoid a blow out. Some things for me that trigger a BPD spiral are drinking gin, emotional stress/ dis-regulation and not being able to exit a situation that’s beginning to set me off. Knowing their triggers doesn’t make them one hundred percent unavoidable but it will profoundly help.

Obviosly this is not a complete list, but these are some of my big ones.