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Kyle (who is ND), came home from a double shift exhausted. I wanted to lay in bed and cuddle since he’d been gone overnight but as anyone who worked a double shift would he needed sleep and I had to respect his needs at that moment were more vital than my want to just lay in bed and cuddle. His body and mind were overtired. So right before he came home I got him a pepsi, put out his pj pants as well as a pack of poptarts all in an easily accessible area. I qued up an episode of one of his favorite shows had it ready to play for when he got in bed. I thought to myself how I would never have willingly and lovingly done this for my ex husband coming home from a stressful day. I know he worked hard and I could tell while we were talking before he came home that he was stressed and tired. Doing those three small things to make it nicer for him coming home made me happy and hopefully him too. I was inspired to write my observations on the simple ways I’ve found so far to support/be in a relationship with a spicy or ND person. Sorry, this will be long but I think some of these are worthwhile observations.

Simple ways to support your spicy partner:

-create zones, when I first moved in I did not know he was on the spectrum and completely moved and changed everything in the apartment, including how his clothing was arranged and the dresser it was in. My therapist who is also married to a nuerodivergent partner suggested creating “zones”, where we each have areas we can do our thing/areas he can just let the space be as he likes it and I can as I do. I told him for me a firm no is a dirty bathroom sink and he has respected that since the day I told him. I tend to associate with the bedroom because it’s smaller and it feels more cozy. Instead of trying to control the rest of the environment like I was before I encourage him keep his “zone” as he likes, I don’t touch or re-arrange/organize it anymore and he respects my space. We tend to use the bedroom for alone time, when I have a telehealth appointment he’s in there doing whatever and when I recognize he might need some personal space I go in there and read a book or watch something.

-be loving, but not controlling, your partners brain may function differently but that doesn’t mean that they need supervision, constant monitoring or unneeded control. They got this far before meeting you so they are more than capable of caring for themselves and knowing what their own needs are. It’s loving to send a sweet text message to just say I love you, it’s controlling to monitor or police their interests, social interactions and micromanage them- they’re your partner not your child.

-use clear direct language, my therapist also suggested this. Don’t say one thing and do another, say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear, even if you think it’s obvious. I moved the liter box and told ,y fiance it was behind the screen meaning the partition screen we use as decoration. He asked me why the liter box wasn’t behind the tv. Never assume your partner will pick up on your vague language or instructions if you ask them to do something a specific way and you don’t clearly state how you want it done.

-consider what is more important to you, does your partner forget to close the cabinet doors all the time? Are closed cabinet doors more important than being with the person you fell in love with, or even worth fighting over? In my opinion no. A hard no. For me growing up in a house that had to be “perfect” and always had to look immaculate it was hard getting used to the idea of living in a space I didn’t feel was “right”. You and your ND partner probably have different concepts of “right” as far as your space goes. When I first moved in I wanted everything to be hyper clean and organized all the time so I made a designated shoe bin, which is something I find to help with the clutter of shoes lying around. Well, now I’d rather be with him and his shoes not be in the shoe basket than focus on the pair of shoes sitting in a different place every time he takes them off.

-have a conversation about the difficulties they deal with having to mask, I had no idea that he was so ND when we first started living together because he was constantly masking and trying to be “acceptable”. Once I learned how toxic this is not only for his mental health but for the health of our relationship I write him a little note telling him he was never obligated to mask with me. I fell in love with him for a reason, and why would I want him to be a different person than that?

-accept that some things are just what they are, he always picks the music or podcast playing in the car, usually we watch things that he or we both like instead of something just I want to watch. We were eating the same thing as each other for dinner most nights but now I’ve learned it’s ok for couples to eat two different dishes together at the same meal. Does it really hurt your relationship if they prefer certain foods/places to eat? At least for me, I can always find something to eat no matter where I go. If I can be more flexible in an area he seems more rigid then I work with that.

-if you’re tired let them know, I’m not “normal” either, I have BPD and Bipolar 1. That means sometimes I get really tired too. I tell him I need to rest and he always respects that. As I said above, say what you mean and mean what you say! If you or your partner need rest then let them rest. Life is tiring enough without all the extra shit thrown in the mix.

-show your love daily for each other, we do little things daily for each other to express our love and devotion. He regularly tells me that I’m beautiful, and compliments me. I tell him how much I adore him every chance I get. Things will be hard at times and there are going to be disagreements and fights but if you consistently show love in small ways daily instead of grand gestures we find it works for us. I don’t need flowers once a year on Valentine’s day, I need consistency and dependability and he gives me that.

-don’t blame the ND behavior,

There are a million more ways to be a support but these are the ones I find to be the most important. I’m going to write another post about supporting a partner with BPD/Biplar at some point, because I think it’d be interesting to share that take on the subject as well.